When we start a relationship, we’re always smitten with the person and focused on their good qualities. He or she is kind, good-looking, funny, intelligent, and so on. It seems they can’t do anything wrong. This kind of naivete is typical of young people, but it can also persist later in life. We might continue to focus on the good things and ignore obvious red flags just because we’re lonely and want to finally settle down and be as happy as we can.
CheckPeople and other background check companies exist to reveal the truth about the people we’re seeing, hiring, or living next door to. Sometimes, it emerges the person had nothing to hide and was being open and honest all along. Other times, a check will reveal something you couldn’t possibly have suspected.
A background check is always a good idea if something seems off about a partner. Here are 5 common relationship red flags you should be aware of.
1. They’re not Delighted to be Seeing You
Nobody is under any obligation to act like you’re the best thing that ever happened to them and you shouldn’t expect that. However, hiding you from family, not including you in their social circle, or demonstrating unwillingness to have proof of your relationship on social media means they’re less than proud to be with you.
There could be another reason they won’t introduce you to family or friends – they’re ashamed of them. This can also be a red flag. While most people have some kind of problems with family members, they will try to deal with them, and that’s what counts. You can’t trust this person to manage conflict well going forward, including any with you if they haven’t been able to do so with the ones closest to them.
2. They try to Manipulate You
Manipulation tactics aren’t always easy to detect. A clear warning sign is using sex as a bargaining tool. Refusing to give you space is another. Withholding sex as punishment or using it as a reward is a huge red flag. One reason people tend to do this is physical attraction isn’t there. Perhaps they’re embarrassed to talk about it. It might help to talk about what you can do to make them enjoy it more.
In every event, boundary and self-esteem issues can be and often are deal-breakers. One sign of these is that your partner finds it hard to give you space. Two people should not become one, even in an intimate relationship. There needs to be space, autonomy, and independence between partners. Someone who is not willing to give you that is probably not the right fit.
3. Different Values
If their values are different from yours, this is something you shouldn’t ignore. We always come back to the “opposites attract” debate – is it differences or similarities that bring people together? Our say on this: while differences attract people at the beginning of a relationship, similarities keep it going over the long term.
It’s a very bad sign when your interests and core values around money, starting a family, and self-development and growth are totally out of sync. You need to turn serious attention to things like this as early on in the relationship as possible.
4. They Want to Control You
It’s one thing to help someone grow and develop as an individual, but quite another to try to control their life. Attempting to micromanage someone’s life erodes their independence and self-esteem. A loving and caring partner should trust you and let you make your own decisions even if they don’t always agree with them.
5. Your Family Hates Them
Your relatives and friends possibly know you better than anyone else. If most of them concur that this isn’t the right person for you, that’s another red flag you shouldn’t ignore. It’s important that your significant other get along with those closest to you. If they don’t, it might mean parts of them will be incompatible with the aspects of your own personality.